Paperclip
by Xiaolink Volumen
Summary: Dumbest fic I've written. Sephiroth's chewing a paperclip. Read and be amazed at Ansem's ridiculous plots to get him to stop it. Sigh... At last the stupidness ends...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: XP, XP, XP. This has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever written. Ah well, what can I say? My friend suggested this during science class while she was chewing on a damn paperclip. I'll never figure her out. (Shrugs) I guess it kinda runs in the same vein as my fic "Squished", only the plot's different.

Speaking of "Squished" I'm thinking of returning to the AnsemxRiku fandom for a moment or two but I seem to lack ideas. Any suggestions?

-O-

Ansem glanced up from his book and looked over at Sephiroth. He was absently staring up at the ceiling while chewing on something. Ansem frowned.

"Seph, what are you chewing on?" Ansem asked. Sephiroth blinked and looked at him. He stuck his tongue out at Ansem. Resting there was a paperclip. Ansem frowned again. "Spit that out," he said. Sephiroth's tongue disappeared back into his mouth.

"Make me," he replied, grinning devilishly. Ansem blushed.

"I think not." Ansem, still frowning, crossed his arms. "Spit it out."

"No."

Ansem glared relentlessly at Sephiroth. "You don't know where it's been." Sephiroth shrugged.

"Don't care." He returned his gaze to the ceiling. Ansem narrowed his eyes. Then he smirked. He wasn't the smartest man on Hollow Bastion for nothing.

"You know, Seph… having a paperclip in your mouth might damage something… the inside of your mouth, your teeth…" Ansem licked his lips seductively. "…Your tongue… It might make certain things rather difficult."

Sephiroth ignored him. Ansem frowned.

"Hmph… there are probably all sorts of nasty metals and such on that thing," he said. Still Sephiroth ignored him. "It can't taste very good." Ignore. "For the love of Heartless, you look like an idiot!" Sephiroth laughed slightly, yet gave no other sign he'd heard.

"More than one way to kill a Heartless!" Ansem growled.

-End bit one…-

A/N: Yep, it's short. S'posed t' be. I'm not putting much effort into this. It's just sort of a diversion from my more serious stuff, not that any of that's really serious. Anyway, I'm hoping for just five chapters, but if you give me ideas between now and the fifth chapter, it might be longer. When the supply of ideas runs dry, then I'll kill it.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This fic won't take long… (Shrugs) Certainly doesn't take long to write.

-O-

"Whoa! Stupid oven."

Ansem was leaning away from the stove, which he'd just turned on. The sudden clicking and appearance of flames had startled him. He very rarely ever cooked. He'd pulled his waist-length hair back into a braid, and was quite relieved he'd thought of this.

Sephiroth was watching from the doorway, still chewing on the paperclip. He grinned as he watched Ansem's braid swinging back and forth. He shook his head, cottoning on to what Ansem was planning immediately.

"Won't be that easy, Ansem…" he muttered. He smiled, shook his head, and turned away, long hair rippling as he moved. He paused next to a pad of sticky notes and scribbled something before walking away.

-Half an hour later-

"Done!" Ansem said with a sigh of relief. He wiped flour from his forehead and sank down in a chair. "How does Sephiroth enjoy this?" he muttered to himself. He glanced up at the timer. "Okay, just another fifteen minutes, then…"

Ansem looked around. He hadn't seen Sephiroth for the past half hour or so. He narrowed his eyes.

-Fifteen minutes later-

"Hey Seph! Crescent rolls!" Ansem called, setting the tray down on the table. "Seph?" He frowned. Sephiroth could never resist crescent rolls. Then he spied a sticky note stuck to the wall.

'Ansem—Gone out. Be back in an hour.'

"…Nuts."

-End bit two-

A/N: (Shakes head) Don't even ask about the crescent rolls. I was really having trouble coming up with something. Oh yeah, as for the oven thing… that scares me too. I always make my mom make ramen for me because I'm so twitchy I jump about a foot when I hafta turn the oven on. (Sighs)


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Man, this is quick. The first two chapters were whipped together in one or two episodes of "Queer Eye" all at once. Well, s'not like they're really long or anything…

-O-

"Okay, this should work."

Ansem checked the wires of the massive electro-magnet he'd set up behind a bookshelf. It was aimed directly at Sephiroth, who was sharpening his katana. He had checked and re-checked the wires and setup of the magnet, and was confident it would succeed.

"Here we go," Ansem said uncertainly. He flipped the switch and with a soft hum the magnet came to life. For a moment, nothing happened. Ansem frowned.

Sephiroth was still chewing the paperclip. The magnet was powerful enough to pull it right out of his mouth. But nothing was happening. Ansem glared at the magnet. Then Sephiroth's katana quivered ominously.

"…Uh-oh…" The katana quivered again, then flew straight towards Ansem, point first. He panicked and swore loudly, backing into a bookcase. The katana shot through the books, skewering several. Ansem would have been annoyed beyond words… if he hadn't been too busy fearing for his life. The katana impaled the magnet and stuck there.

Ansem glared at the magnet.

"Dammit."

-End bit three…-

A/N: Leave it to Ansem to just happen to have a large magnet lying around.

Masanori: Hey Ansem! Dumb question. D'you happen to have any large magnets lying around I can borrow?

Ansem: Sure, just gotta find it!

Masanori: O.O;;

(Laughs)


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Number four. (Sighs) This must be the dumbest thing I've ever written. Oh yes! A little quiz for anyone who's a fan of Malice Mizer, my latest and greatest obsession! See if you can guess what song Sephiroth's singing at the beginning! XD

-O-

"Tsuki no hikari wa karera wo… odoru karera wo utsushidashi/ kabe ni utsuru sugata wa umarekawaru mae no mama ni…"

Sephiroth was being watched.

"Mitsumeau futari wa 'saigo no yoru' to tsubuyaite/ kono yo ga akeru made atsui omoi de odoru…"

As he danced around singing loudly, a pair of eyes watched him fro behind a bookshelf. A pair of _copper-coloured_ eyes. Ansem smiled slightly as he eyed Sephiroth's lithe form swaying in time to the music. He never would have thought Sephiroth would be into Malice Mizer, but at the moment he didn't care. It was too funny watching Sephiroth dancing to Japanese rock.

He also seemed rather attractive, dancing like that in clothes that emphasized his natural slenderness.

"Kireina yoru dakara… kanashii yoru dakara nakazuni waratte mimamotteageru…" Sephiroth sang, still oblivious to Ansem's presence.

Ansem reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. On it he had written every unpleasant place that paperclip could have been. He grinned and stepped out from behind the bookshelf.

"Hey Seph."

Sephiroth froze and whipped around to face Ansem, face turning crimson.

"You didn't… you did… did you…?" he spluttered, plainly mortified to be caught singing.

Ansem tried hard not to laugh. Sephiroth looked so adorable, standing there with his face red and a few strands of hair clinging to his cheeks.

"Leave it to Gackt, dude," Ansem replied with a smirk. "He's the one that gets paid for singing, not you. Anyway, you might want to read this." With that he pulled the paper out of his pocket and set it on the table. "Oh, and turn that down. I can't even hear myself think." He turned and left as Sephiroth blushed even harder.

Half an hour later, Ansem returned to the library. Sephiroth was gone, as was the music. Ansem spotted the paper on the table, folded in half. He walked over and read the back.

'Nice try.'

"…Crap."

-End bit… four, was it?-

A/N: Yep, Sephiroth likes Malice Mizer! Somehow that doesn't seem too farfetched if you ask me… anyway, any of you out there know what song he was singing? I like that one, myself.

Misao and/or Makoto, if you're reading this, I'm going to laugh if you can't figure out what that song is.

Time's runnin' out! (Annoying laughter) Next chapter is the last plot!

Hey, if anyone out there is familiar with that video, picture Sephiroth dancing like Mana. Kinda funny! XD XD XD (Snickers loudly, then spins out of the room like Mana in the "Je Te Veux" video)


	5. Chapter 5

Hmph, this fic didn't take long… oh well. Whatever.

-O-

Ansem stood in the door, glaring at Sephiroth. He was still chewing on the paperclip. Nothing Ansem did seemed to be working.

Finally he had to go to the plan he'd been hoping to avoid.

He walked up to Sephiroth and kissed him hard on the lips.

Sephiroth's eyes widened. They widened even further as he felt Ansem's tongue slip into his mouth. Shocked as he was, Sephiroth was unable to resist.

_Almost got it…_ Ansem thought. _There!_

Ansem drew back, grinning triumphantly. He revealed the paperclip between his teeth.

"I win!" he said after spitting out the paperclip. Sephiroth stared at him, face redder than when Ansem had caught him singing Malice Mizer and mouth agape. Ansem watched Sephiroth warily, wondering what he'd do.

"Wh… wha… what…?" Sephiroth stammered._ Was that… just to get the paperclip?_

"You look ridiculous, standing there like that," Ansem said indifferently. He idly examined his nails and glanced at Sephiroth. He walked up to him and hugged him close. After a second, Sephiroth tentatively hugged him back.

"Was that just to get the paperclip?" Sephiroth asked. Ansem drew back and looked at him.

"You tell me," Ansem replied before kissing him.

-End. Period.-

A/N: Yep, the last bit. Oh well. Okies! If you couldn't get the song from the last bit, here it is: "Gekka No Yasou Kyoku". Misao and Makoto: I swear that I will laugh myself out of my chair if you didn't get that.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I know I said the previous chapter would be the last, but this came to me while I was at Misao's house doing a Health project on mushrooms. Go figure. ANYWAY… on with the show! …Wow. Been a while since I used a Queen reference…

Yanno what's fun? Spinning around your room listening to "Gekka No Yasoukyoku – de I'image" by… you guessed it, Malice Mizer! XD

Double update cuz it made more sense. Yeah...

-O-

Riku drew abruptly away from the door, a horrified expression on his face.

"What?" Maleficent asked. The two had seen the preparations of some of Ansem's wilder schemes (like the magnet) and were wondering what he was doing.

"Have a listen," Riku said disgustedly. Maleficent cast him a strange look, and bent to the door. With a cry of disgust, the witch backed away from the door, tripping on her robes and falling over.

"Wha… wha… what are they _doing_?" she cried.

"Each other, it would seem—"

"Hey you two, what's up?"

Maleficent and Riku both turned to see Sora walking up to them, a quizzical expression on his face.

"I can think of— OW!" Riku yelped as Maleficent ground the end of her staff into his foot, an evil grin spreading across her face.

"Why don't you go have a listen at the door?" she asked sweetly. Watching her warily as he wondered why she was so cheerful, Sora walked up to the door and pressed his ear to it. His eyes widened.

"Are they… _moaning_?" he said incredulously.

"Yep. I don't even want to know why," Riku groaned, still rubbing his foot.

Maleficent muttered a few unintelligible words, and peered into the crystal atop her staff. She blinked; then hurriedly wiped it clear. She conjured a sign out of nowhere and hung it on the door. _Do Not Disturb._ It was written in bold, red letters.

"Hopefully that will stop those of an inquisitive mind," she said as she, Sora, and Riku left.

-

Not an hour later two black-haired girls, one with cat ears and the other a vampire, walked up to the door.

"Why d'ya reckon Maleficent put this up?" Ace, the vampire, asked.

"Dunno," the other, Masanori, answered. "Shall we look?"

"We shall."

The two opened the door. Their faces turned crimson. Ace hurriedly backed out of the door as Masanori pulled a camera out of Hammerspace. She snapped the shutter a few times, then backed out as well. The two raced to Masanori's room. They plugged her camera into the printer of her laptop, turned Malice Mizer (the Merveilles CD) back on, and printed the pictures.

Their faces cracked into identical grins.

"One fer us…" Ace said, depositing half the pictures in Hammerspace.

"…And one for the Internet!" Masanori finished. Their laughter was almost louder than Malice Mizer. Almost.

-End, really and truly.-

A/N: Okies, you'd hafta be pretty dense to not be able to guess what Ansem and Sephiroth were doing. Anyway… yay, more Malice Mizer advertising! XD


End file.
